A lover is the closest someone can get to you, but they still need to be treated as a SEPARATE person. We never merge as one and the desire to merge leads to relationship difficulties, read on.

The parameters and standards of all previous relationship layers apply to Lovers, plus the information on this page.



The Soul Mate Myth

The common romantic notion is for two people to merge as one (soul mates) but this is destructive to both individuals. The differences between the two gets very blurred at this level of closeness as communication breaks down as expectations override logic and agreements. Trust cannot be easily maintained. It is easy, especially during the initial infatuation phase to lose yourself in the feelings of love. This euphoria is due to the release of endorphins by your body which help you forget your problems, and endorphins are very addictive. You may get very close to someone 'perfect' for you but they will always be an independent thinker and thus different from you. To expect someone to read your mind and act before you do to meet your every desire not only lets you down by making you lazy, it is quite selfish as that person cannot meet their own needs, and is completely irrational as it is not possible.


Infatuation is about chemistry and desiring to be with another, it is overpowering, and most are unable to resist it. This is nature at it's strongest. It is important that an individual remains in complete control of themself to be an effective partner and lover, but sometimes it's easier said than done. I find it easier to allow myself short periods of time to 'left myself go' while being 'in charge' the rest of the time.

The uncontrollable need to be in love (for most) indicates neediness brought on by an incomplete relationship with one or more parents, and/or an unhealthy relationship with one or more parents (co-dependence). Learn to move forward with your emotional development and become inter-dependent by which time your will have become fully functional and loose the neediness. Those who loose their neediness still desire another person to be in their life but they are far more likely to choose the right person based on many important factors such as;

When choosing a lover a potential mate will assess you on these same criteria, so if you are having difficulties try self-improvement by becoming self-aware and by being realistic. If you feel this could improve in your life then I suggest reading the section on Being Content.

Exclusivity between Lovers

The biological driver to be lovers is an instinctual need to produce a family and nurture them until they can fend for themselves. This is the most important thing not only in your life, your lover's life, but more importantly the children's life and the community at large. Proceed with care as any offspring must be supported for 16-20 years minimum until they can fully fend for themselves and they are best served by two stable, healthy, and supportive parents, but also remember that a happy and supportive single parent is usually better than two fighting parents.

This is why most people demand exclusivity in the relationship even if children are not desired (or the relationship is not hetero-sexual) the biological driver for exclusivity is still there. The family demand food, shelter and all the other needs and thus the parents must devote ALL their energy to meeting these needs, and to a lessor degree their wants. If a partner is not devoting all their energy to caring for the family they are instinctually considered a poor partner and therefore unwanted. Jealousy comes from this place as one partner sees the other putting attention and energy into the care of another, more so if the jealous partner believes they missed out from their family when they were growing up.

Lover/Partner or Just a Lover



A lover and a partner are two separate relationship types, but these roles can be provided by one person. It is a more rewarding relationship (and common) when indeed your life partner is also your lover.

Some people who are not ready to have a life partner may just want a lover to meet their personal needs. It is extremely important to be honest and declare your true intentions. Lying and deceit in this area is highly destructive to an individual and a hurt individual can do much damage to those around them and their society. Make the honest and positive choice, you will be surprised how many choose the same path as you so there is no need to lie. Although you may be disappointed at times, being honourable will help build your self-esteem.

Experimentation is normal development, we have to learn what our preferences are or we might enter the wrong type of relationship and do much harm. Obviously if you already have a partner then experimentation is the wrong choice. Honour you agreements to that person or mutually agree on a change.